Solicitation

Or can one really solicit prayers? Because that's what I am in need of right now. Details aside, I am at a crossroads and am in need of clarity and conformation. As well as support and love. I am doing my best to reach out and keep my head above water, which is working so far, but I feel that I need could use a little extra bolstering about now. Like many, many people, I am walking a difficult road and am hoping for easier times ahead.

So, if you've got a minute, say one for me, send me some love, however you do it. I'll receive it and I really will appreciate it. Thanks.

This helps, too.

In Conclusion

Regarding lack of trust: I would rather be wrong than be right.

CAPITALISM KILLS THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT

It's true, and I know this from both sides of the coin. Most prominently from behind the counter, as the working stiff who has to cater to the greedy hands of the buyers and the sellers. This is made manifest by having to work on Christmas Eve instead of being home with my family relaxing and enjoying their company. Working the day after Christmas - at 5:30 a.m. so people can rudely go out and return the gifts that they didn't like and buy yet even more shit they don't need.

And the same is true for another day of the year that I like to celebrate symbolically: New Year's Day. I'll be CLOSING on New Year's Eve and I'll be opening on New Year's Day - all instead of being home and celebrating the last day of this year and the first day of the new year. I am a somewhat sentimental person... I like the meaning behind these sorts of days and I like to be able to reflect upon an enjoy them. And now I can't, and it's all thanks to Capitalism.

Of course, this is just my little pity pot story - if you watch Michael Moore's new film Capitalism: A Love Story, you'll get a nice strong dose of the evils of capitalism on the grand scale. But for the everyday Judy, such as myself, enjoyment of life is extinguished.

Cry me a river, I know. But it's a noticeable result and I despise it.

And by the way, to the critics: yes, I too am a consumer. We all are. Every human being consumes, and we woud die if we didn't. I buy things I need. I buy things I don't need. Read my post again if you think I am a hypocrite, because what I am saying is that being held hostage to the demands of the general public and the money-grubbing of the capitalists behind the corporations and having to adjust my life and thus sacrafice the enjoyment of my life for this reason, is just the fucking pits. Period. Those of you who work retail know the woes of which I speak.

Neurosis at it's Finest

Ira and Abby.

OK, best movie ever. Well, you know. Best movie... in a long time. Highly recommend!

Scragga Fragga Ragga!

I am so stressed out with finals and home stuff that I can't really post anything until that's all over - which will be this weekend. I will have two weeks to get my house back in order, settle the girls into the summer schedule, and prepare for my 6-week course in statistics. Joy! I also have a little surprise that I am really excited about, but I'll save that for another upcoming post.

Cheers.

Gotta Give It To Yer Mama

Sooooo... it's Mother's Day. This isn't a day that I acknowledge much, especially in terms of recognizing my own mother. It is nice that my girls make me little cards and small gifts, but that's all that really happens around here (husband "forgets" and I have to practically dial his mother's number so he'll talk to her).

I didn't have a good mother. Under very, very different life circumstances, I very well could have had a good mother. But alas, the circumstances were what they were and that's how the cookie crumbled for me. She was a woman who if given the right life would have not only been a happier woman herself, but would have produced happier daughters.

My sisters are in denial about who our mother really was and that has caused a deep rift between us that I don't see the solution to any time soon. I am not in denial about her and in fact am quite resentful of the childhood I had to endure because of her poor choices and disregard for me. The only thing that I learned from my mother is what not to be.

Now that fill the shoes of a mother for two little girls, I can't say that I appreciate my mom, but I know that I've been able to be what she wasn't for me. I care. I listen. I love. I make sure that all the little things that need to be done and taken care of are. I don't accept the laziness and lack of concern she had for me and I am proud that I am able to give those things effortlessly to my two girls. No, I'm not perfect. Far from it. My girls will tell you that, too. But what I do is leaps and bounds more than what my mother did for me.

So, I guess some of the important lessons in life are from examples that taught us in ways that weren't pleasant. I don't know if I buy the whole concept that we choose our parents/life, but I do believe that we have the choice to either learn from our parents - regardless of whether our parents were good or bad to us, or we can mindlessly repeat the things that we hated and have our children go through the same resentments.

I see myself doing a few little things that were OK that my mom did with my girls. The way I prepare their baths is similar to how she did mine, my voice sounds like hers, I really look like her more and more every year. Luckily for me, I don't hate her. I have every reason to, but I don't. I am neutral about her. She is a fading memory, and for that I am grateful.

My paternal grandmother, on the other hand, was and is the mother I never had. Even though we've never lived near one another, I've always felt close to her. As the years have gone on and I've been able to intellectualize her more, I realize that she wasn't all I had cracked her up to be, either. But she was like a mother figure to me, and for that I am grateful.

So, Happy Mother's Day to all the good moms out there today. You deserve all the little hugs and kisses and letters you get today. To all the bad moms, may you reflect today and resolve to be better to your precious children. They won't be children forever, and they won't forget what you were. It's up to you how your future with them plays out.

And so, in conclusion, my life is very good. I never want to go back to that fear and darkness, ever again. And I don't have to. Like I said, each year that passes makes that whole time nothing more than a blurry and fading memory. I am so grateful for that.

Eh... (crunch, crunch, crunch) What's Up, Doc?

WARNING! WARNING! HEAVY SARCASM AHEAD! PROCEED WITH SENSE OF HUMOR! WARNING! WARNING!

So what is up with doctors not reading your chart? I mean, com'on! So I'm at the hospital last night because 6 days of influenza with no lift was frankly just dragging my ass down. So luckily for me the ERD wasn't that busy and I got to a bed within about 45 minutes (I've waited upwards of 3 hours before, so 45 minutes was fast!) and the intake lady was really nice, crackin' jokes and being very thorough with her questions as to what has been going on between me and this flu.

So then I get to the bed and she tells me to disrobe 'cause I'm gonna have to have a chest X-Ray (fine) and wait about a half-hour for the doctor to come in (fine, I'm in the ERD and not bleeding to death, it's understandable, even though my head feels like it's going to explode).

Once the doctor arrives, he begins with, "So, you have a bit of a runny nose, do you?"

...

Are you serious? Do you really get patients in here who come in with a bit of a runny nose. Do I look like the kind of person who comes into the emergency department with a bit of a fucking runny nose?!

...

"Among other things" I replied.

"Like what?"

"Oh well, spiking fevers, body aches, blasting headaches, hot flashes, cold chills, eye pain and eye sensitivity, nasty crackling coughs, chest pain, stuffy nose, waterfall nose, ear aches, weakness, fatigue, and generally feeling like I have the FLU."

"And that's just for today?" he asks.

...

Are you serious?? Now I'm getting pissed off!! NO IT'S NOT JUST FOR TODAY, ASS, I'VE BEEN FEELING LIKE THIS FOR 6 DAYS NOW AND I AM SO SICK AND TIRED OF BEING SICK AND TIRED THAT I COULD YANK YOU DOWN TO THE BEDSIDE BY YOUR SHOULDER-LENGTH HAIR AND BREATHE ALL OVER YOUR POINTY LONG FACE SO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS FEELS LIKE, "DOCTOR"!!! FEEL MY WRATH AND BURN IN THE FIREY PITS OF HELL!!! BWAHAHAHAHA!

...

"No, for 6 days, actually."

"Oh, okay. Well, we'll give you something for the body aches, something for the cough, and something for the stuffy nose. We're also going to take a chest X-Ray to make sure everything's OK in there."

That's more like it.

So chest X-Ray comes back, everything looks good. This is good.

Interim between discussing the X-Ray and him writing me the prescriptions, a baby comes in with a 104.4 F temp and is seizing. Nice. Nothing like a little trauma to liven the spirits, I always say!

Finally he comes in and tells me what he's going to prescribe. Ibuprofen, Claritin, and an inhaler.

...

Are you seri... oh never mind.

So I take the prescriptions and come back home, only to wake up today, day 7, still feeling mighty ill. I've taken the dosage of Ibuprofen he prescribed (I am not going to pay for a prescription of what I already have bottles of at home), take a Claritin (ditto), and put up with another 12 hours of coughing until I can get over to the pharmacy to get the inhaler (because I don't have one of those). He couldn't prescribe the Tami-Flu stuff because it's only effective during the first 48 hours of infection. And well, let's just say that I have a husband who was VERY reluctant to take me to the hospital because of his OWN damn complex about appearing "whiny". IT AIN'T MY DAMN COMPLEX, HONEY! I'LL WHINE - I'M THE ONE THAT'S SICK!!!

So there you have it. I had to miss every class last week because I could barely stand up and certainly didn't want to infect anyone, especially my teacher as he already has a weakened immune system. I also had to miss going to the Asian Art Museum in SF with him, too. I really can't miss any more class, but I'll tell you what, if I feel tomorrow like I do today, I ain't going. My temperature this morning was 99.8, still pretty high, considering, and just took it right now and it's 100.0. So we shall see. I would like to go and be able to clean my bloody house, but if I'm ill, I'm ill. And seeing as how I ain't Christian, or religious in any sense of the word, or even "spiritual", ain't no amount of prayer being said in my head, or in my house. I figure nature will take its course. Whether I like it or not.